Stories From The Strong

The Valley CARE Coalition proudly presents stories from Valley County residents who have struggled, continue to struggle, or have found peace surrounding mental health, substance use disorders, or behavioral health. Battling this is a symbol of strength and courage and should be highlighted as such.

My dad is an alcoholic and relapsed after 20-ish years when I was 16. I was in denial for about a year before it just wasn’t a possibility anymore. It was painful but keeping myself busy and coming home mostly to sleep helped keep it at the back of my mind.

Just he and I lived together when the pandemic hit and were often the only people each other would see in a day. I was doing online school, so we still weren’t spending much time together. As time passed, he stopped hiding his drinking as much and I started noticing signs like holding onto surfaces for support, slurred words, and bringing more polarizing topics up when we would talk.

The hardest part was the manipulation and guilt-tripping. He would ask me to drive him to the store for beer. At first I said OK but conditionally that I could buy something for myself as a tax for putting the heavy choice of enabling him or knowing he’s driving drunk. This tactic worked a few times but that changed when the gas station attendant stopped carding me mere months into being 21.

Whatever the last time was, I lectured him the whole way home because “if I’m going to cry about this so will [he].” I knew then that it wouldn’t make a difference, but I was just so upset. It’s making me sad all over again writing this down, nearly two years later. At some point I asserted that I could and would leave a conversation when I was done before it was pure animosity. That’s my dad - I don’t want the options to be arguing or avoiding interaction.

My mom and sister, and sometimes my brother, were a lifeline for being there for me when things were really rough and reminding me the disease of addiction changes people. It makes them mean, they lie and hurt you, it makes you wonder if they even can love you. They reminded me that asking them for help when I don’t know what to do is exactly what they’re for. I do my best to humanize my dad in his addiction, and it’s gotten easier now that he’s been sober for a few months. I cried after he told me he had a couple weeks under his belt because I just missed my dad and it seemed like he was back. He asked me if he’d done irreparable damage, and I was honest in saying no, nothing irreparable. But it feels weird because I haven’t really spent time with my dad as himself in six years, so how do we fix it?

I know we both want to, but I’m not sure of a specific strategy other than him staying sober and practicing forgiveness myself. Just as relapse is part of recovery, working on my own progress towards healthy boundaries and asking for support has not been a perfect or even easy time. It is undoubtedly worth working towards, and I’m getting more comfortable knowing I get to lean on others as much as others can lean on me.

Do you want to share your story? Please visit the project tab on the Valley CARE Coalition website (valleycarecoalition.com) to submit your story. All submissions are anonymous.