Falling on Black Days

It’s been one week and one day. My initial shock hearing that Chris Cornell died quickly moved to terror the next day when I heard it, he had committed suicide. Suicide? My stomach reeled. Chris Cornell’s band, Soundgarden, had been a favorite of mine in the grunge scene that came out of Seattle. I was heartbroken!! Reading the news stories, I learned that he had long battled depression. Much like another musical influence of mine, Kurt Cobain, Chris had looked to substances to mask his pain, only to find a different demon there. Twenty-three years separate the two amazing musicians taking their own lives. It seems 23 years wasn’t enough time in science to help people combat depression. “Pearls and swine bereft of me, long and weary my road has been.”

My family has been touched by depression and suicide, like so many others. It is a painful subject and not a great conversation starter, so it often goes unsaid. My wife was diagnosed with postpartum depression after our third child was born. Life was stressful for the both of us through that. Yep, too painful to talk about even now. He just turned 14 last year. Two years ago, my oldest tried to take his own life. He was diagnosed with severe depression at 19. Thank God he was found before he succumbed. The only way I can explain the feeling of getting that news is that it was a drop kick to the soul. In one word, shattering. “I was lost in the cities, alone in the hills.”

I often wondered what depression felt like. My son explained it to me it’s not being sad, it’s not being able to be happy. There’s a difference in there. I didn’t think I would ever understand. In the last few months, I have had less and less daily joy that I have lived with for 44 years. I don’t think I’m depressed, but I think I can see how someone could become and what it would feel like. More and more days go by without any real happiness. Mid-life crisis? Maybe. Depression? I hope not! “No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel.”

What turns someone to take their own life? I sometimes think how everything would be if God took me right then. I would hopefully make it to heaven, and my earthly troubles would be gone. I haven’t ever had a fear of death, it’s inevitable, so why fear it? If I live to 100 or die tomorrow it really makes no difference, I’ll be gone either way. I believe there is something past this world but I’m not in a hurry to get there. I’m also not leery of the idea of getting there soon. I guess I’m indifferent to it. “I am not your rolling wheels I am the highway.”

That brings me to my point. Yes, sometimes I have a point. Most of us know someone, either family or friends, that are melancholy more often than not. While being sad isn’t a sign of depression, being sad all the time is. What can you do for them if you think they are suicidal? First thing is to talk to them! Find out how they are doing. Several websites I visited say be gentle but direct language. Ask how they are doing, and listen! If they drop hints like “I wished I were dead” don’t think they are exaggerating!! Encourage them to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255). Biggest thing is don’t leave them alone. “I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky.”

If there is anything I can learn from Chris Cornell’s tragic death is that we are often not there for each other, even while being in the same room. Let’s work together to make this world a better place. “I am not your blowing wind I am the lightning, I am not your harvest moon, I am the night. The night.” Requiescat in pace, Chris!

“Cause I fell on … black days ...”